These past two weeks have been rough at times, but rewarding in so many ways. Before I get to far, if you haven't read my previous post here, go read it now.
Now that you've read it, or maybe even re-read it, the story continues.
Last week I wasn't operating at 100% because I was dealing with a cold. If you've ever dealt with a cold while working at camp when you don't get enough sleep, you know that it isn't fun at all. Besides a lack of sleep and a cold, I spent much of the week feeling useless with the cabin I was assigned to and struggling with understanding my worth. All of this after handing the struggle of understanding my worth over to God on Monday afternoon.
Fast forward to July 9. During worship night with the high schoolers, I stood in the back, worshiping and praying about this whole struggle with my self worth. I still remember crying a little during "Oceans". It was just one of those moments where I realized that God was allowing me to learn to let go of those feelings of worthlessness that bubble to the surface at times.
By Friday morning I was okay with letting God and everyone else love me and had come to a place where I felt like I had taken another step forward. Sometimes just a few hours of sleep combined with another member of the summer staff handing you a heart shaped pancake with chocolate chips makes a world of difference. The moment that I was handed that pancake, I realized that God was speaking through a co-worker.
By Friday night my family had arrived for family weekend, and I was feeling good about the weekend to come. Being able to share a note that a camper had written me before she left with my parents was great, and so was re-reading it. Realizing that God had spoken through me to her was something that meant so much. And in re-reading that note, I remembered that sometimes we don't realize that God is working through us.
This past week was one of stark contrast to the week before. Not only did I have a good week in the kitchen, I also had realized that there will still be days when I feel worthless, but that in those days God is willing to take that from me and love me for who he created me to be.
This morning, I woke up to realize that it had rained, and was still drizzling out. Friday's are the relaxed day in the Copper Country Kitchen, and so I was looking forward to the relaxed feeling, getting work done, and getting time with the rest of the summer kitchen staff. It was as I was in the Copper Country kitchen that I talked with one of the cooks who I get along with well and with the summer staff. It was during a conversation with the summer staff that I found out that one of the guys is going to be a counselor this next week. This was after another one of the male summer kitchen staff spent half the week being a counselor for half weekers. This got me a little down simply because it meant that I wouldn't see as much of him, and the kitchen staff that is going to be a counselor this next week is someone that I get along with well.
Before I knew it, one of the annual kitchen staff had called the Copper Country kitchen from the New Frontiers kitchen to ask me if I was willing to come down to New Frontiers to fill in for the annual baker that only bakes for New Frontiers. Of course I was willing, so I grabbed my clipboard and waited for my ride down to the New Frontiers kitchen after having said goodbye to the Copper Country kitchen staff for the day.
It was in me heading down to the New Frontiers kitchen that I set off a chain of events that I couldn't have predicted or stopped if I had wanted to.
Having arrived in NewFro, I got to work on the rice crispies. While I was working away, one of the annual staff came over to let the high school camper helping me know that it was time to eat. Of course the annual kitchen staff saw me and asked me if I was a TST (aka high school camper). My answer was, "Nope. I have a name badge." and kept working. Somehow during that time I managed to miss my chance to eat breakfast. By the time I realized I had missed my chance to eat, it was to late, and I was feeling a bit frustrated and grouchy. Not being recognized as a member of the staff and missing breakfast after not having gotten enough sleep was not a good combination.
Post rice crispies I started working on the cupcakes for this weekend. It was then that frustration with the fact that I was watching other summer kitchen staff get the chance to be a counselor while I wanted to get the chance to be a counselor but wasn't getting the chance started to get to me.
On top of it all, I didn't have any of the summer kitchen staff there to talk to. I felt a bit lonely because everyone else knew each other and were having fun with each other, but I felt like a fish out of water.
What happened next was something I didn't expect. A couple of activity staff came in to help in the kitchen, and a couple of them were told to help me. The kitchen director brought them over and let me know that they were here to help me, and of course tired, grouchy, annoyed, hungry, lonely Erin had a melt down. Tears came out and I couldn't help it.
Of course Michelle, the kitchen director, grabbed me and gave me a giant hug that helped. She also got me out behind the kitchen for a while so I could just get away from the chaos of the NewFro kitchen. [If you're reading this Michelle, THANK YOU!] After all that I went back into the kitchen and got back to work. Having mixed the brownies and put them into the oven, I realized that I was thirsty and headed out to the dinning hall to get something to drink. It was there that one of the special needs (not from TST) counselors who my family already knew appeared and asked me how I was doing, which set off another bout of tears. This was fifteen minutes before I would sit down to eat lunch. Of course she gave me a hug and loved on me, which I needed at that moment. By the time I was done eating, it was time for me to leave the kitchen for the day.
By the middle of this afternoon/early evening, I realized that through all of today I was just struggling to figure out what God was trying to show me.
That's when I realized that the call from Heather that took me to NewFro was a reminder that I might not be good at everything, but I know how to do something well enough that Heather thought to call me. She called ME.
It was then that I realized that God was trying to remind me that I'm not perfect, but he still loves me and calls me to be his child.
Sure, there were things today that annoyed me. Yes, I was tired. And I felt out of my element in the NewFro kitchen. But there was something about the experience that made me want to keep working here. It reminded me of just how much God loves me and how he'll use me in ways that I don't expect.
It was as I sat doing laundry with co-workers and reading the love is patient passage of the Bible, that I realized that in the last two weeks God has been breaking me down to build me back up in ways that I may never understand. Not only has he been breaking me down just to build me back up, he is also so patient when I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to find him, and that he loves me more that I'll probably ever understand.
I'm sure that I'll still have the bad days. Knowing that even on those bad days I have an amazing God to turn to and co-workers who care enough to nearly force me to sit down and eat, hug me, and tell me that I am loved, is enough to get me to a point when I can sit down and just be with God.
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