Starting Over

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer."  Romans 12:12

Hope, patience, and suffering are three things that I am all to familiar with.

I may not have experienced the suffering of losing someone in my immediate family, the suffering associated with war or disease.  I am not very patient when I'm tired, lonely, feeling forgotten, or am excited.  I don't always pray as often as I know I should.  The one thing I've never struggled with is being hopeful about the future.

Looking back at the past year I realized that I was constantly hopeful about what the future would bring.  I was hopeful I'd find a job.  I was hopeful I would buy a car.  I was hopeful I would find my passion.  I was helpful I would find direction for my life.  When I was offered a job, I was so happy.  In a way I knew I was exactly where I needed to be.  The hope I had found the job I belonged in gave me reason to rejoice.

When I was let go from that job, I found myself suffering in a way I hadn't experienced ever before.  There were feelings of not being good enough and so many questions.  Why had I fallen in love with my job, only to be let go?  Why did I feel like all my hard work had gone unnoticed.  Why did I feel like I was starting all over again?  Why was depression coming back to bite me in the rear end again.  Why didn't this make sense?

There was so much hurt; so much pain; so much suffering.  Yet there was a sense that even through all of the hurt, pain and suffering I would come out of it a better person.  I patiently applied and interviewed for jobs.  Yet none of them worked out.  I can't say what God's plan was, or is, but I do know that he has a plan for me.

The moment I knew I was headed back to SpringHill I felt like celebrating.  I was still masking the pain of having lost a job, but I had found that so many friends who loved and cared for me were there, praying for me and loving me.  It was during my time without a job that I realized that parents who care will do whatever they can for you, but that they can't do and be everything that you need.  Sometimes you just need a friend or co-worker.

I had reached out to several people I had met at SpringHill in those first days of unemployment, and was so grateful for their support.  It was good to have people who cared out there, praying for me and ready to be there when I just needed to get something off my mind.  Between their prayers and support, and my prayers, I knew that God had heard my cries for everything I needed during that time.  I wasn't sure what else to do, or what he had in store for me.

I found myself at peace with my job situation one day, knowing that I'd be back in a seasonal position at SpringHill.  It was with that peace that the depression began to lift.  I felt like I had a purpose again.  I still had anxieties.  Anxiety about a new position at SpringHill was the least of my worries.  The anxiety over what would come after camp was over was what was causing the most anxiety.  I could go for days leading up to my arrival at camp, then have anxiety overwhelm me when nobody was around.

Before I knew it, I was at camp, loving being around other people who are passionate about kids and teaching them about God.  Feeling like I have a purpose again has been what I needed the most, and I found that here at SpringHill.  Over the course of the first few days of training I began to get to know people I had never met before.  It felt good to spend time with others.  Yet I was a little anxious about what to expect in the trading post and what was coming after camp.  I knew that the anxiety would purist, but that there were people here that would get me through it when the anxiety was to much for me to handle.

The Cross

What you don't realize about camp, if you've never worked at one, sent your kid(s) to one, or been to camp yourself, is how much it changes people for the better.  When you work at a camp, you get to experience what it is like to have an impact on children and help them to develop skills.

What most people wouldn't know was just how much camp has changed me.

All those years ago, when I went to camp thanks to confirmation.  During the summer of 2002, that the staff of the camp I grew up going to did a re-enactment of holy week.  I had been forewarned that this was coming, and that many campers who had seen this in previous weeks had been emotional.  Nobody could say how each individual camper would react. 

I still remember thinking how unique this was as the re-enactment began.  It was at the point of that we reached Jesus' trial, and the chant of "crucify him" began that I suddenly understood what had happened during holy week.  It was in that moment that I finally understood what Jesus had done for ME.  It was then that I finally had a belief that there was a God who cared about ME.

After it was all over, the girls I was in a cabin with were walking back to the cabin.  I don't remember saying anything.  I do remember the counselor catching up with us.  I don't remember if she said anything to any of us.  I remember the rest of my cabin mates talking about it.  As we walked along, I didn't have any words for what it was like to experience God like that for the first time.  I couldn't find the words to explain the feelings I was experiencing.  What sticks out to me the most was the fact the my counselor reached out and put a hand on my shoulder.  It was in that simple touch that I felt God touching me, comforting me, telling me that he understood.

I don't think that I would have ever even considered working at SpringHill if it wasn't for that week during the summer of 2002 when I really experienced God for the first time through the beauty of being outside, and through that counselor.

You never know how God will reach a child, especially when that child is in nature, surrounded by campers who are also learning about God, and a camp staff that loves what they do and others.

Let your light shine

"For it is the God who said, Let light shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ."  2 Corinthians 4:6

Let light shine out of darkness--this is a phrase that I've never fully learned how to allow to happen so that others can see God's glory.  You might think that, because I work at a Christian summer camp that I'd be good at this.  Yet it is something I'm still learning to do.  Letting God's light shine out of my darkness might take me a bit.  Yet I will eventually get there.

People know that working at a summer camp means that you have the power to influence the kids you come into contact with.  Yes, we will influence these kids this summer.  But it isn't through out power that we influence them--it's through God's power.  In sharing my struggles with others, I can share God's love and the work that HE has done through an in me.

I've been told that I light up a room the moment that I walk in.  This may be true, but it isn't my joy, my smile, or the things I do that light up the room.  It is what God does through me that lights up the room.  God allowed me to experience depression and anxiety, knowing  that I could handle what he was handing me.  God never will allow us to experience something we cannot handle.  And that's something truly amazing.

Sit still.  Be quiet.  Remember that time that was such a struggle to get through?  He was working through you during that time.  He was working in you.  There is a high probability that God worked through you to teach someone else and a chance that you have no clue that impact that God had on another person through you.

DO you remember that person who had an impact on you, on your faith?  Did you ever tell them about the impact that they had?  Do they know that God touched your life through them?  Have you thanked God for that person?  Have you thanked God for what He did?

Whatever you experience, look to God for help.  Remember God won't ever give you anything you cannot handle.

Blessed

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.  Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth.  Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled.  Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy.  Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God.  Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God.  Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.  Rejoice and be glad for your reward is great in heaven for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."  Matthew 5:3-11

On June 10, I made the drive from home to the place I call my second home, SpringHill camps.  I was ready to be back at my second home, doing something I love, and something where I know I have an impact on others.

From the moment that I arrived back on camp, I kept finding people that I worked with here the past two summers, which was nice.  Yet there were so many new faces--people I had never met.  After a rough spring, seeing friends again, and receiving so many hugs from them was such a positive thing.  Those hugs were reminders of the fact that even when things aren't and haven't been going the way I would like them to, there are people (other than my family) out there who care and want to see me succeed and are true friends.

We are still doing training, and the first campers will arrive on Saturday and Sunday.  Everyone is excited for their first campers, yet know that the training we are going now is important.

It was strange to be one of the few returning staff members amount the high school campers staff.  Yet, the staff that will be working with the high school campers are a lot of fun to spend time with.  I can't wait to see them working with the high school campers, and see the impact that they have.  The great thing about the returning high school campers staff is that they were so pumped to see me back at camp again.

Throughout the spring, after my hours got cut at my previous job, then was let go, I didn't really understand why God was sending me away from that place when I enjoyed the position, and enjoyed the people I served in that position.  All I knew was that God must have a plan for me, and that whatever that plan was, it was for the best that I wasn't with my previous employer any longer.  The returning staff that knew about what had happened with my previous position were great about it, and have checked in to see how I'm doing.  What I didn't expect was the way that people that I had never met before reacted when I told the story of the past year.  The way that those people reacted and supported me has reminded me that there is a good chance that there are people here at SpringHill that I will be friends with for years to come.

I may be in a different position here at camp--the Trading Post (aka camp store), and I may not be working with nearly as many people as I have during the past two summers.  But I am meeting new people, and constantly reminding myself of the fact that God has  a plan for me, even when it isn't clear what that plan is.  Whatever is next will be a great experience that I won't ever forget!

Working at SpringHill is such a blessing, and a situation that I am SO GLAD that God put me in.

What you don't know...

Sometimes you realize that you have no clue what is going on--nothing that is happening makes any sense to you, and all you can do is hope and pray that things begin to make sense in the near future.  Sometimes someone asks you a question, and you have no clue how to answer that single question.  In the last year, I've experienced both of these situations.

At the end of last summer, I had the chance to be a crew chief (aka a counselor for the high school campers) at SpringHill.  I couldn't have asked for a better group of kids to be a crew chief for.  Yet it was a challenge at times to figure out what was going on with these kids and why they acted the way they did.  There were also the moments when I was lucky enough to get a little glimpse of what they had experienced during their lives.  In those moments when I got a glimpse of what they had experienced, I began to understand where these kids were coming from.  During those challenging moments, all I could do was pray that I knew how to connect with the kid(s), and help them.  Those were times I often forgot to remember that I'm not perfect, and that these kids will learn more if they knew that I didn't have all the answers.

There was that one question that a camper asked last summer that got me thinking: Do atheists go to heaven?  That was one question I didn't have the answer for at the time, and it was a question the bugged me.  So I reached out to a former pastor from my home church, and she had a great answer to the question of do atheists go to heaven.

After camp was over, and I was back at home, I was hired to work for an after school program.  What I hadn't realized walking into the interview for that position was that the director had worked at SpringHill years ago.  It was clear when we talked about SpringHill that we both had fond memories of the place and the people.

I didn't expect what happened in September.  I interviewed for a position as a cook at a local senior living facility, and was offered the job.  This meant I'd be working 37 hours a week, and wouldn't be able to work for the after school program.  I ended taking the job, and found that I loved the residents, and enjoyed being around the people I worked with.  At some point along the way, my hours were cut and I began looking for a second, part time, job.  April 1 came, and I was let go.  That was hard.  The first week of not having a job to look forward to going to was the worst.  I had gone from having a job where I enjoyed myself, and was able to do something positive to suddenly not having anything to do but look for a job.  That first week I felt like I was going crazy not having a few shifts to work.  The second week got easier because I started getting interviews.  Yet nobody was offering me a position.

As time passed, and I knew that I'd be going back to SpringHill this summer, I got to thinking.

At the end of last summer I had no idea where the upcoming year would take me.  I didn't know that I would spend a month chasing a bunch of middle school kids around a school gym after school, coloring with them, talking with them, helping some with their homework, and loving every minute of it.  I didn't know that I would spend six months of my life working with a bunch of people who were old enough to be my grandparents, and who became like a second family to me.  I didn't know that when one of those residents died, that I would go to a visitation, and have a great conversation with his wife while taking her back to the senior living facility.  Did I know that I would be going back to SpringHill for a third summer?  Did I know that I would buy a car?  Did I know that in being let go from one position, I would begin to think about what I wanted to do in the long run?

In being let go, I realized that maybe finding a job or two to get me through the next few years would be helpful.  After all, I began to realize that I really enjoy working with food and with people.  It was towards the end of my time at the senior living facility that I realized that I might want to go to culinary.

If there is one thing I realized, it's that in the curve balls that life throws us, we often can learn about ourselves.