Starting Over

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer."  Romans 12:12

Hope, patience, and suffering are three things that I am all to familiar with.

I may not have experienced the suffering of losing someone in my immediate family, the suffering associated with war or disease.  I am not very patient when I'm tired, lonely, feeling forgotten, or am excited.  I don't always pray as often as I know I should.  The one thing I've never struggled with is being hopeful about the future.

Looking back at the past year I realized that I was constantly hopeful about what the future would bring.  I was hopeful I'd find a job.  I was hopeful I would buy a car.  I was hopeful I would find my passion.  I was helpful I would find direction for my life.  When I was offered a job, I was so happy.  In a way I knew I was exactly where I needed to be.  The hope I had found the job I belonged in gave me reason to rejoice.

When I was let go from that job, I found myself suffering in a way I hadn't experienced ever before.  There were feelings of not being good enough and so many questions.  Why had I fallen in love with my job, only to be let go?  Why did I feel like all my hard work had gone unnoticed.  Why did I feel like I was starting all over again?  Why was depression coming back to bite me in the rear end again.  Why didn't this make sense?

There was so much hurt; so much pain; so much suffering.  Yet there was a sense that even through all of the hurt, pain and suffering I would come out of it a better person.  I patiently applied and interviewed for jobs.  Yet none of them worked out.  I can't say what God's plan was, or is, but I do know that he has a plan for me.

The moment I knew I was headed back to SpringHill I felt like celebrating.  I was still masking the pain of having lost a job, but I had found that so many friends who loved and cared for me were there, praying for me and loving me.  It was during my time without a job that I realized that parents who care will do whatever they can for you, but that they can't do and be everything that you need.  Sometimes you just need a friend or co-worker.

I had reached out to several people I had met at SpringHill in those first days of unemployment, and was so grateful for their support.  It was good to have people who cared out there, praying for me and ready to be there when I just needed to get something off my mind.  Between their prayers and support, and my prayers, I knew that God had heard my cries for everything I needed during that time.  I wasn't sure what else to do, or what he had in store for me.

I found myself at peace with my job situation one day, knowing that I'd be back in a seasonal position at SpringHill.  It was with that peace that the depression began to lift.  I felt like I had a purpose again.  I still had anxieties.  Anxiety about a new position at SpringHill was the least of my worries.  The anxiety over what would come after camp was over was what was causing the most anxiety.  I could go for days leading up to my arrival at camp, then have anxiety overwhelm me when nobody was around.

Before I knew it, I was at camp, loving being around other people who are passionate about kids and teaching them about God.  Feeling like I have a purpose again has been what I needed the most, and I found that here at SpringHill.  Over the course of the first few days of training I began to get to know people I had never met before.  It felt good to spend time with others.  Yet I was a little anxious about what to expect in the trading post and what was coming after camp.  I knew that the anxiety would purist, but that there were people here that would get me through it when the anxiety was to much for me to handle.