Thoughts from the past

I opened the first Bible I was ever given for the first time in months.  I've been reading the most recent addition to my collection of Bibles as of recently, so I hadn't seen my underlines, highlights, and notes to myself in my first Bible.  As I flipped through the pages, trying to figure out what I wanted to read, I saw a few notes I had written myself a little over a year ago.  One of those notes was:

"God has a plan for me!"

Another was:

"Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it is no, sometimes it is later." 

As I saw both of these notes, I couldn't help but smile.  Both of those notes to myself were written shortly after I arrived back at SpringHill last summer.  I had been through a rough spring, and during those first days back at camp, I was beginning to realize that I was learning and growing and that God's plan(s) for me were better than any plan I could make.

It was during those first few days that I found myself reading Psalm 142, 143, and 146.

"When my spirit is faint, you know my way." Psalm 142:3

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God.  Let your good spirit lead me on a level path."  Psalm 143:10

"The Lord lifts up the downtrodden; he cast the wicked to the ground." Psalm 146:6

When I think about what happened last April and May, I can understand exactly why I was stuck in those three Psalms.

Since I returned home from camp in August, Matthew 6:5-15 and John 13:1-20 have been the parts of the Bible I have been stuck on.  These are where Jesus teaches what is now known as the Lord's Prayer, and the washing of the feet.  Thinking about it now, God might just have me stuck on those two passages now for a reason.  At camp, I rarely thought about myself but about others.  I was constantly thinking about the campers and their needs, and what I could do to help my co-workers.  I'm still learning how to be that kind of servant, the kind of servant that Jesus was when he washed the disciple's feet, outside of camp.

And there's that line from the Lord's prayer:

Thy will be done

There was that one week during the summer that changed my thoughts about what my future held-especially what God was asking me to do and be.  It isn't my will, but God's will.  I am most defiantly still a work in progress.  I am still learning and growing.  But being stuck on those two passages as of late is a good thing---they remind me of things that I need to remember.

God's Got You

"I life my eyes to the mountains--where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.  He will not let your foot slip--he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.  The Lord watches over  you--the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.  The Lord will keep you from all harm--he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."  Psalm 121

In recent days, I've been thinking a lot about the past year.  This past year was one where I put myself out there for a job that I didn't think I would get, only to be offered the very same position.  It was a year that sent me from being excited about a new possibility to a place where I had so many questions about life.  Around this time last year, I was dealing with a lot of anxiety.

After being let go from that job, I ended up accepting a summer position at SpringHill Camps Michigan overnight location.  I was glad to have a plan for the summer.  What I didn't know at the time was that God wanted me back at SpringHill for a reason.

During my time at SpringHill in 2014, I began to understand what God's voice sounds like to me.

During my time at SpringHill in 2015, I began to trust that God had a plan for me, and that if I did what I could do within my own, very human, power, God would make amazing things happen and make sure I ended up right where He wanted me.

Looking back at it, as I drove towards camp at the beginning of last summer, I felt like I was headed home.  I was so excited to be back at camp, a place where I did feel at home, and where I knew that I would learn something.

As I walked towards where check in for staff training was going to be held, I could see the day camp staff who would be heading out later that day having fun.  I could also see members of the Michigan overnight locations summer leaderships staff and members of the year round staff relaxing.  I continued walking, and quickly recognized a number of people that I had known the past two summers.  As I got closer to them, they noticed me.  Of course they made their way over to me and gave me so many hugs.

One of those first people to reach out and hug me was someone that I had reached out to one year ago today via Facebook.  I still remember the two of hugging, and could feel the tears near the surface.  This was a woman who had been there, who had been someone I had been able to lean on when I was struggling.

During the course of training I was wrecked.  Yet I found myself learning, growing, and finding my way forward.

Did I know what this past fall would bring?  No.  But I knew that whatever it brought, God would be right there with me.

In the past year, I realized the job I had as a cook at an assisted living facility wasn't where God wanted me in the long term.    I realized that God wanted me at that facility for a while, and that He wanted me back at SpringHill all along.  I realized that the time spent with a host of two year old kids this fall was a time that God was reminding me how to be a playful adult that embraces aspects of who they were at two.

And now that I'm in school and working part time at Panera Bread?

I don't know what next year will look like, but I know that God has a plan.  I know that the kid that was all excited about his soup on Monday, and who gave me a hug and high-five made me smile and brought out the kid in me.  I know that my co-workers always find ways to make me smile during every shift that I work.

I also know that God's got me.

From August until now

Since August a lot has happened.

In August I came home to a whole host of new experiences.  I actually had to give a child a quick bath in a sink at one point after they had incident of "exploding poop".  I started singing in the choir at church, and have love every minute of it.  There was a moment where a two-year-old I was taking care of was laying on their cot trying to fall asleep, and she reached up towards the ceiling, and whispered "I'm reaching up to God" to me.  There were days where, the two-year-olds I worked with would come rushing over to me when I arrived at work to hug me and say hello.  I've been through countless interviews since August, and have experienced some highs and lows.

November was a rough month for me.  The election happened, and Trump won, which was not what I had hoped would happen.  In late November friend of mine from high school killed her own father, then herself.  Two days later, a camper I had worked with at SpringHill Camps ended her own life.  I was glad when November was over.

Looking back at September and October, things were going well, and as planned.  November was rough, and December was hit and miss for good and bad things.

Looking back at June through August, there was a lot going on with camp and with the understanding that was coming from a lot of conversations with friends and with God, which lead me to apply to Saginaw Valley State University (SVSU), and get in.

That brings me to today.  Today is my first day of classes at SVSU, and I am so PUMPED!  It's hard to believe that five months after first beginning to understand where God wanted me to head in the long run, I am finally beginning that journey.

Being Wrecked

Being wrecked by God is something that I've watched happen to staff and campers at camp every summer since 2014.  In 2014 and 2015, God wrecked me, but never as often as he did this summer.  During the course of this summer God wrecked me on so many occasions that I lost track of the exact number of times.

During training, we spent one evening with the TST staff (the staff that worked with the high school campers), doing the prayer walk.  During the prayer walk, the signs that kids would read throughout the summer talked about letting go of one's baggage.  I still don't remember what the sign that got me said.  Yet, I remember that it said something that reminded me of holy week and something that I experienced in 2002 at Stony Lake Lutheran Camp.  As I thought about that single week in 2002 during the prayer walk, I knew that I had baggage that I was carrying with me at all times, and that somehow this was going to be a summer that I was going experience something amazing.

That night, we had a time of worship for the staff.  After the TST director spoke, the music began, and leadership spread out throughout the auditorium so that all of the summer staff could go to them to be prayed for.  I knew that I needed a lot of prayer in that moment.  I had already been through so much since the beginning of the year.  I could feel the tears just under the surface.  I knew what I had been carrying around with me, and that I just wanted God to take that baggage from me.  Having been hugged by the TST director, and having been prayed over by her, I couldn't contain my tears any longer.  All the feelings I had been containing for so long now were spilling over in the form of tears.  As I walked to the back of the auditorium to get some space so that I could spend some time alone in prayer, I looked up to see someone I met in 2014 at SpringHill.  The moment she saw me, she grabbed me.  Not only did she hug me, she listened as I told the story of what I had experienced since January.  It was after having heard what I had experienced that she prayed over me.  The tears that were flowing slowed, and eventually ceased.

I wasn't my "normal" self yet.  But I knew that God had my back, and that things were going to get better.

The next morning, as I sat in the auditorium, I realized that I felt like myself again--all the anxiety I had been holding in for so long was gone.  I knew that God had taken my anxieties.  Having talked about sharing our testimonies with campers, we split into pairs to share our testimonies with someone we didn't know yet before going into solo time.  After solo time we all returned to the auditorium for more worship time.

It was during that worship time that I was able to fully worship for the first time this summer.  By the last song, I knew that I needed to sit down and pray.  I had realized that I hadn't taken any of our down time to really spend time with God.  As I sat there in prayer, the band played on.  Eventually it was announced that the band would continue playing for a few minutes so that people could continue to worship if they wanted, but that we were all dismissed for lunch.  I knew that I needed that time alone with God, so I stayed sitting in that chair.  Minutes passed, and I began feeling my energy returning.  Eventually someone that started the same summer I did came over and prayed over me.

During the summer there was one night that the band played In Christ Alone.  Here a few lines of the lyrics:

And as He stands in victory

Sin has lost it's grip on me

and I am His and He is mine

bought with the precious blood of Christ...

...No power of hell

no scheme of man

can every pluck me from His hand

'till He returns

or calls me home

here in the power of Christ I stand

It was as I sang those lyrics for the first time this summer, I knew that God had a plan for me, and that this was going to be a summer during which I was going to begin to understand that plan.  I also couldn't help but think about that moment in 2002 at Stony Lake that I fully understood what Jesus did for us by dying on the cross.  Just the way that I felt God working throughout the summer wrecked me.  Sometimes it was a song lyric like those from In Christ Alone that reminded me of something I had learned years before, and sometimes a lyric would be a good reminder of the fact that God created me perfectly.  Sometimes I watched as the kids I was working with were wrecked during worship, and then show me God in a way I hadn't expected him.

I hope and pray that God continues to wreck me from time to time.  I hope that other people are wrecked by Him too.  Feeling God in that way is so powerful!

Lasts

It's our final closing day...our LAST CLOSING DAY.

This week, as I made my way through the week, I thought about all the things that I was doing for the last time this summer..  For the last time, I rang up a copper country camper in the copper country trading post.  We took one last load of stuff up to Copper Country.   We shut down the copper country computers for the final time.  We made it through one last avenue with the high school campers.  We spent one last night with campers on camp.

Looking back on the lasts of this summer, I'm bummed that it's over.

The end of this summer has been different from the ends of the past several summers.  At the end of the previous summers I had no clue what I would be doing during the fall.  This summer, I'll actually found myself with a job that starts on Monday and plans to get me through until at least next summer.

Looking back at this summer, I can't believe how quickly it went.  How did it go so quickly?  What happened to time?  I honestly feel like there wasn't enough time to get to know some people, and not enough time to spend with those that I did get to know.

I'm looking forward to getting to spend time at home, sleeping my own bed and not having to worry about when I'm showering.  I'm looking forward to eating non camp food.  I'm looking forward to what's next.

What's next is scary at times.  It's hard to say goodbye to what I've been doing to so many months.

Breaking Bread

I have consistently been bad at taking my full two hour breaks this summer.  During the past two summers, I've never had this problem.  This summer has been different.  I've found that I am much more of an ambiovert.  This means that I enjoy my time alone, but also draw energy from others at times.

Being in the trading post (camp store) this summer, I've found myself enjoying spending so much time around campers.  There have been the campers that I've wanted to get out and see me kids more.  It's then that the kids coming through the trading post make me smile.  Sometimes kids get excited about the simplest thing, like the fact that we have root beer.

What I didn't expect this summer was what would happen the night before and day that my second group of campers would leave.  My second group of campers was a group I connect well with.  On their second Wednesday at camp, the counselors, AD, and I took our kids behind the craft house to wash their feet.   I don't know if the kids got anything out of us washing their feet.  For me, being able to wash their feet was something that I loved doing.  It allowed me to do one last thing for them.  The following night, we did this thing called breaking bread with the kids.  One person starts in the middle of the circle of kids and staff for the area with a loaf of bread.  They call up someone that they want to say something nice about.  Both people then take a small piece of the bread, and eat it.  The person that was called up then takes the bread and calls someone else up.  Nobody can get called up a second time during the first round.  After that, we go into a free for all where everyone mingles and talks with each other about the things that they saw in each other.

It was as we did breaking bread that I was called up by my AD (Area Director), right away.  It was the first time that I had ever been the first person called up.  As we were preparing to leave after breaking bread to go to bed, I was standing in the middle of the room with tears streaming down my face, and laughing.  The kids had  "broken" me.  I had fallen in love with them, and was having a hard time saying goodbye to them.  It was then that my AD asked me if I was laughing or crying.  I was crying because I knew I didn't have any more time with them that I could use to love them.  I didn't think that I'd find a group that I would love so much, or connect with in the way that I did.

I didn't realize just how much I was going to miss the kids until Friday morning when I didn't have any time with them after they left the cabin.  I didn't realize just how much I love those kids until that Friday morning.  As I walked from the cabin to the staff lounge to check for mail, I cried.  Several people stopped to make sure that I was okay.  It was good to know that people cared enough to stop to make sure I was fine.  It was as I left the staff lounge that a member of the staff that I don't know very well stopped me to see how I was doing.  It was then that  she said that it was clear that this was a great job for me simply because I had thrown myself into knowing the kids and loving them in a say that I now missed them.

The area director I was with for those two weeks was, and is amazing.  She consistently was there if I needed to talk.  She consistently encouraged me to take my breaks.  In all honesty, God has spoken through her to me in so many ways.

As we now head into our final week of "normal" summer camp, I find myself wondering what this week is going to bring me.  I've had three groups of two week campers, and will now have one one-week group of campers.   I can't say what this fall holds for me.  But I can say that whatever this fall holds is going to bring new lessons and experiences that I can't wait for!

Breaks

I've struggled with taking my full two hour breaks this summer.  The fact that I am finding myself needing to be around people to gain energy has made taking time for myself and God hard.  I've found that those few minutes between groups in the Trading Post (camp store), the time spent walking from the trading post to find my group, and the time spent building and starting a campfire for my campers is the alone time that I need the most.  Those are the times that I find it the easiest to talk to God.  Those are the times that I hear God the most.

Abby, one of my co-workers at camp, once asked me if I ever take time off.  I do use part of my breaks, but two hours has been tough for me.  What people might not realize is that it is through struggling to take my breaks, and not be around kids during my day off, I have begun to feel pulled into ministry.  It's not that I really wanted to go into ministry full time at the beginning of the summer, but that God is leading me in that direction.  Just the fact that I am finding the simplest moments to be alone with myself and God is a good feeling.

Now that I'm back from the family reunion, and am in my first day back after a nice vacation, I've realized that being here at SpringHill is a great experience for me.  It's forced me to spend more time with God, and more time thinking about others instead of focusing on myself.